4 Ways You Can Tell You’re In A (Non)Fight And What To Do About It

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Last week Dane and I had the non-fight.  You know what I’m talking about…

It starts off as a little rub, one of you feeling a little irritation towards the other.  The next day, something trivial happens.  And you get a little bit pissed again.  And so on and so forth… each day, the tension mounts.  Slowly.  Agonizingly.  The air thickens.  

You both can feel it.  But no one is really sure what’s happening.  Are you fighting?  Are you not?

It could go either way.

You circle around each other, weighing the real and perceived wrongdoings of the other.  But no one says a word.  

Then boom!  All of a sudden you’re having a for real fight and you’re both left feeling equal parts surprise and relief – and neither of you knows what you’re actually fighting about.

In tribute to my husband.  Who provided the inspiration for this article… but not all of the material.  I love you.

4 ways You Can Tell You’re In A (Non)Fight

1. Your memory has never been worse.

You forget to pick up diapers.  You forget to put gas in the truck.  You forget to flip the laundry.  As of late, you can’t remember to do anything your special someone asks you to do.

Maybe you’re not purposely avoiding these things (or maybe you are), but the fact that you can’t remember is a sign that something’s going on.  When you love someone you want to do nice things for them.

If you find yourself unwilling to do things for your significant other, stop and ask yourself why – and then tell that person how you feel.

Unchecked resentment festers and manifests itself in very ugly ways.  Do yourself a favor and deal with small things while they’re still small.

2. You have mini-fights.

About how the dishwasher is loaded.  About how many times you hit snooze.  About what music you listen to in the car.  And how long it takes to cook dinner.

If you bicker nonstop about trivial matters, consider whether or not something else is going on.  Bickering all the time is a good way to find yourself in one of those huge unexpected fights.  Take a step back and decide whether or not it really matters.

If it does, address the specific reason why.  If it doesn’t, just give in.

It might not be your way.  But if you don’t really care, think of all the bonus points you’ll get for being so understanding!

3. When you walk in the room, it smells like pissed off.

Don’t pretend like you’ve never smelled pissed off before.  It’s usually accompanied by complete silence with the occasional huff.  When asked, everything is always fine.  

Fine fine.

But you know better.  Everything is definitely not fine.

But you’re stuck.  If you ask “what’s wrong?” one more time you risk fighting about how you’re nagging.  If you don’t ask, you risk finding out the hard way what actually is wrong.

What are you to do?

One of my favorite ways to rid the air of the smell of pissed off, is to say something like “It seems like you’re mad because you’re stomping/huffing/ignoring.  Is there something I can do to help you?”

Usually just the change in your tone is enough to cut the tension.  Sometimes the other person doesn’t realize how angry they appear. And sometimes they really are mad and you’re going to hear about it.

Either way, at least something productive will come out of your question… instead of just another shrug and a “I’m fine.”

Whatever you do, don’t sit there, silently irritated.  That’s exactly why you’re pissed at the other person in the first place.

Stop the madness!

631_non-fight4. You say “I’m going to bed” instead of “Are you ready for bed?”

One statement implies you are going alone.  The other implies an open invitation to join.

I know not every couple goes to bed at the same time every night.  But, I do believe that it helps your relationship.  Only good things can come out of making an effort to go to bed together on a regular basis.  

Maybe it’s a little hanky panky.  Or maybe it’s just a little pillow talk.  Either way.  It’s important to take time to be close with the one you love.  

Have a conversation.  Snuggle up.  See what happens.

One thing is for certain.  

Nothing is happening if you don’t go to bed together.  Make sure they know they’re invited to join you.

This list isn’t complete. How else can you tell when you’re having a (non)fight?  Comment below with your answer!