Why Self-Haters Hate And What To Do About It

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First off, I’d just like to say HOLLA!!!! to all the Six Thirty-One peeps that shared last week’s post.  At last count it had over 6 times as many views as any other post!.  Thanks for all of your support, and thanks for helping to spread the message.  If you missed it, check out Why Haters Hate And How Being Selfish Is The Best Response.

As a follow up to last week, I wanted to talk about something that was echoed in the comments, on Facebook, and in my email.

Being more selfish sounds really great, but how do you actually go out and do it?  More than one person said they were their own hater.  Don’t worry if this is you.  It happens to everyone sooner or later, you just have to know what to do about it.

What Is A Self-Hater?

631_Self-HaterLet’s define what a self-hater is and is not.  For this discussion’s sake, a self-hater is someone who doesn’t take the time to do anything for themselves.  It’s someone who fills their day answering the calls of their boss, their kids, their spouses, and their obligations and goes to bed at night having done nothing they actually want to do.

A self-hater makes excuses for why they don’t do the things they want to do.  Some of them are noble (My kids are my first priority).  Some are a little needy (I couldn’t because I had all of these things that stopped me: insert list of things here.)  And some are more honest (I wanted to, but then I just didn’t.)

If you don’t have kids, you’re not automatically excluded from that first one either.  Just substitute kids with whomever/whatever you have in your life that takes your attention (i.e. job, spouse, dogs, house, etc) and becomes an excuse to not do something you otherwise would do.

Remember, haters tell you all the reasons you shouldn’t do something or how you’re doing it wrong.  How have you been talking to yourself?  Are you convincing yourself not to be selfish, therefore convincing yourself not to have any fun?

Take a minute to assess whether or not you’re a self-hater.  It doesn’t matter if your excuse is justified, just whether or not you have one.

I Think I Might Be A Self-Hater, Now What?

Okay, let’s get one thing straight.  If you’re a self-hater, all of your excuses fit into the last category above.  It is and always will be “I wanted to, but then I just didn’t”.  It’s time to get honest with yourself.  It doesn’t matter if your kids need you.  It doesn’t matter if your boss is a jerk.  It doesn’t matter if you’re down to your last penny.

Every single excuse starts with, “I wanted to, but then I just didn’t.”

Why didn’t you? Is it because everyone else is a priority except you?  It’s time to put yourself first.  If you don’t, no one else will.

But I Have A Good Reason

There are all kinds of good reasons.  But, we’re not talking about why you didn’t do something.  We’re just talking about it not getting done.

If you’re a self-hater, you make it a habit to have an excuse.  You say “no” more than you say “yes”.  It’s fine that your kids are a priority.  But they don’t need you every second of every day.

Maybe you fit into the needy category?  That’s something like, “I wanted to but I was too tired.”  Or, “I wanted to but I have to do the chores.”  Or some other lame excuse.  Seriously, who actually wants to sleep instead of doing something awesome?  Or do chores instead of something fun?

Um, no one I know.  But, we tell ourselves no anyway.  And I’m not preaching here.  I’ve been down the I wanted to but I was too tired road.  The only problem with that is, you don’t get to do anything fun.

So suck it up.  Fun comes with a price tag.  And sometimes the price tag is sleep (or dishes in the sink, or whatever).  Don’t think of it as giving up sleep.  Think of it as adding fun.  If you want to do something, just go do it.  Stop saying no to fun.

I Don’t Have A Reason – Maybe I’m Just Allergic To Fun?

That’s doubtful.  More likely, you’ve avoided being selfish for so long that now you don’t even know how to get started.  The thought of all the work it takes to do something different than what you normally do stops you dead in your tracks and you just never begin.

But what if it wasn’t so much work to get started?  What if you could just start doing whatever it is you want to do, right now?

Here’s the thing.  You totally can.

Do It Now

Do you want to learn something new?  You don’t have to sign up for a class – Google it.  And then YouTube it.  Guaranteed you’ll find some cheap and easy resources to get started.

Want to spend more time with your friends?  Pull out your calendar and pick two open days.  Email your friend right now and suggest one of those days for coffee/drinks/yoga/whatever.  When she emails back, put it on your calendar.  Stop thinking about setting up a date and actually set it up.

Want to try something new?  Maybe it’s something easy, like trying sushi for the first time.  Maybe it’s harder, like jumping out of a plane.  Whatever it is, put it on your calendar.  Schedule it.

The thing about fun is, it waits for no one.  Anytime, anywhere, there is fun to be had.  Schedule it into your day, every day.  If you don’t make an effort to include it, other things will always take precedence.

If you want to have more fun and be more selfish, you have to plan it.  It takes work to get up in the morning and do what you want.  In fact, being selfish is harder than being a self-hater… that’s probably why you’re a self-hater in the first place… because it’s easy.

The question to ask then is, what do you want more of?  Fun, or ease?  I vote fun.

Take time for yourself right now.  Put it on the calendar.  Schedule it into your day.  Start being more selfish.  It’s hard work, but it’s totally worth it.

Comment below with the one thing you’re going to do this week to add more fun into your life.  Then put it on your calendar

 

This is the second post in a four-part series about Being More Selfish. If you missed the other three, check out Why Haters Hate, The Importance Of Being Selfish, and How To Be More Selfish.

  • Sarah Brown

    I love this, of course. When I was a therapist, I would always tell my clients that you make time for what’s important to you, and you’re not making time for it, it must not be that important to you…whatever “it” is. Now that I find myself lots of responsibilities, I don’t make time for all the things I claim to be important to me. Hello pot, I’m kettle. :o)

    • Haha! Well, at least you recognize it. Now go out and do something about it 🙂

      • Sarah Brown

        I love this 631 business because you are saying things I think & know, but by putting it in my face, saying it as someone other than me, it makes me think harder about these things. I like the accountability that you are providing for me.

  • This is ridiculous. I have been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to figure out what fun thing I can do for myself and I’m coming up blank. Give me a minute… I’ll figure it out. lol I’m trying to figure out if things like, closing myself off in my room and allowing myself a full two hours of QUIET reading time is having “fun.”

    • Haha Tracey. Fun is however you define it… maybe you could start with 30 minutes a day of alone quiet reading time. Thirty minutes is a lot more doable than 2 hours… then your family might be less likely to revolt 🙂

      As for your ‘activity’, do whatever you feel like and go from there. Besides reading, what do you like? Try to remember the things you really liked to do in high school? Perhaps there’s a grown up version of one of those things you could try?